August 22, 2012

New morning on the planet earth


(First published online on December 19, 2008)

December 13, 2008, Saturday, I arrived at home nearly 10pm, exhausted from the busy week that I’ve had. Three days before, we had a radio production, recording a 25-minute news and commentary program. I happened to be one of the voice talents being an animated character during the commentary segment. But because our group was trimmed to a fewer members, I also acted as a track arranger of the different music and sound effects that we used in the production. During the recording, I unleashed to the public ability to speak of two voices; my normal one and the voice of an old man. I was successful though there were moments when I could no longer breathe. Then, just yesterday, Dec. 12, 2008, we had our first television production where I worked as a scriptwriter and technical director. For our TV production, I was still in control of the audio, and before our taping; I almost acted as one of the production assistants who bought the props for the said recording. We had good remarks for our first TV production, but for the radio, well, let’s not talk about it.

Now, after arriving at home, my mom immediately informed me that my sister was brought to the Manila Doctors Hospital because she was not feeling well. That time, she was pregnant to her first baby and after finding out, we immediately rushed to the waiting area in the delivery room of the hospital.

We arrived there at 11 o’clock in the evening and waited for updates that will be given by their resident doctors. Waiting ahead of us were my sister’s husband and his mother.

As the date changed from 13 to 14, we were the only relatives left at the waiting area. While waiting for the arrival of my sister’s first child, I noticed the different health workers passing back and forth, coming in and out of the elevator proceeding to the delivery room. Since I was highly anticipating for the birth of the baby, I kept awake and just read the book which I borrowed from a friend. By 3 o’clock in the morning, the coast was clear within the waiting area and just not to fall asleep, I went first to the nearby Mcdo and took out some snacks and immediately I got back to the hospital. They had already fallen asleep on their seats but still, the baby hadn’t come yet. Updates from the doctor said that the labor would even take three more hours.

Since I could no longer help it, I suddenly took a nap. By 5 o’clock, we all woke up to the chilly morning due to another update from the doctor, saying that my sister would have to be operated through cesarean since her pelvic bone was no longer moving or enlarging  perhaps. Not doing the operation could only lead to a bigger problem so her husband stood a decision to pursue the operation.

According to the doctor, the operation would take another hour so after the tough decision making, we had to wait again. My sister that time was having an asthma and fever so we couldn’t be relaxed anymore.

After 30 minutes, one of the attending physicians, came out and told us the good news. He signed with thumbs up and shouted, “okay na, lalaki anak niya”. Suddenly, all the tired looks from our faces turned into smiles for the six hours of waiting was not a waste at all, it’s all worth it.

My sister who turned from a cute little girl, to a finer lady, to a beautiful wife is now a strong mother who never gave up till the final stitch.

The child’s name is John Enzo V. Espiritu and by exactly, 5:38am, his first cry was heard. Another 30 minutes, we were all called up to see how the baby looks. A very cute baby boy turned up and all of us who were first tired were now excited at the baby. All of them posed for a camera shot with the baby. I got my phone to camera mode, formatted my memory card, and took also my shots to be uploaded at the net. We could never really contain our excitement but according to the doctor, we still had to wait for 5 more hours before we could see my sister.

After seeing the healthy baby, I immediately texted some of my other relatives to inform them of the good news. I also texted some of my friends because of excitement over my first nephew.

After two hours of waiting, we could never really help it for we were too sleepy we first got the assurance that the mother and baby were both okay before we left to go home and took a rest first.

Arriving at home, I was still excited for the baby so I boasted to my aunt and nieces the pictures of baby Enzo. After doing so, I immediately rushed to my room and finally slept.

I woke up by 3 o’clock in the afternoon and prepared to attend the Sunday Holy Mass at a nearby church. While preparing, I could still vividly recall the arrival of my nephew during that dawn.

Truly, it was one of the unforgettable moments in my life. Welcome to the planet Earth Baby Enzo.

First move

(First published online on November 19, 2008)

He always sits on the black couch. He always smiles at other people's jokes. There are moments when he will throw his own joke. However, moment comes when he will just look into the thin air and silently observe what is going on.

Sa labing-siyam na taon ng pamumuhay ay marahil nakasalamuha na siya ng iba't-ibang tao. Merong pinakamataas o kagalang-galang at meron din namang mahirap, na kung ilalarawan ay minsan hindi na kumakain sa loob ng isang araw. Natutunan na niya kung paanong mamuhay ng napakasimple at naranasan na rin niyang makihalubilo sa mga taong masasabing may kaya sa lipunan.

Simple lang ang gusto niya sa buhay. Ang maintindihan ng mga tao kung ano talaga ang iisang ideya na tumatakbo sa isip at damdamin niya. May pagkakataon na nagkakaiba kanyang isip at damdamin pero hangga't maaari ay pinag-iisa niya ang mga ito.

There are times when he wishes to document through a video-camera what he has been doing or saying so that if time requires him to show what he did, he could simply click the 'play' button and automatically, he can clean himself from the issues that surround him.

The less recognition your life has, the less opportunity of being misinterpreted your ideas will be.

Isang maliit na pagkakamali ay grabe ang nagiging kapalit pero sa buhay niya, ni minsan, di niya ninais na makagawa ng kahit anong 'honest mistake'.

Siya ay ang klase ng tao na may kakaibang paraan ng pagbibiro. Bumabanat siya ng mga bagay na hindi kayang maabot ng isang ordinaryong tao at iyon ay para lang tumaas ang 'confidence' niya. Ngunit sa ganoong klase ng pagbibiro ay hindi pumasok sa isip niyang panindigan na ganoon nga ang pagkatao niya. Simple lang siya pero may matayog na pangarap na gustong abutin ngunit hindi sa paraang nakakasuklam.

Mayroon siyang angking kakayahan subalit kahit kailan, di niya seryosong inisip na gamitin ito sa hindi wastong paraan. Nakakapagbiro siya subalit hindi niya inisip na ito ay seryosohin dahil simula pa lang pagkabata ay tinuruan na siyang manatiling nakatapak sa lupa.

Kung sakali ngang ihahalintulad siya sa isa sa mga tao na nahulog sa kumunoy, marahil natulungan na niya ang iba pang mga tao pero iyung mga tao na tinulungan niya ay wala man lang ginawa para maiahon siya sa malambot na lupang kinasasadlakan niya.

Naging 'leader' na siya, maraming beses na, subalit sa loob-loob niya, alam niya kung hanggang saan lang ang kakayahan niya. Inaalok siya sa matataas na pwesto ngunit kung minsan ay tinatanggihan niya ito dahil naniniwala siyang hindi porke't kaibigan mo o nagtitiwala sa iyo ang mga nagluluklok sa posisyon ay tatanggapin mo na ang kung ano mang ibinibigay sa iyo. Alam niya kung saan siya lulugar at buong puso niyang iniisip ang mga bagay na magiging kapalit ng aksyon na gagawin niya. Ilang beses na rin siyang nakatanggap ng mga papuri at parangal pero lahat ng iyon ay hindi niya nilalagay sa isip niya para lang palabasin na sobra-sobra ang kagalingan niya. Kapareho ring dahilan kaya nakakapagbiro siya sa sarili niya pero sa puso at isipan niya ay alam niyang wala siya ni katiting na karapatan para ipagyabang ang kung anong meron siya. At ngayong ganyan na ang mga nangyari, para tuloy siyang nagdadalawang isip kung tatanggapin pa rin ba ang mga iaalok sa kanya o mananatili na lang sa kung nasaan siya.

Mahirap... Para sa kanya, ang buhay ay isang laro lamang kaya kung tutuusin ay panay ang biro niya, ang masakit ay nakikipagbiruan sa kanya iyung mga tao na hindi pala alam kung paano siyang bumanat ng patawa. Sa bandang huli, dahil sa suhol ng taong hindi siya talaga kilala sa mga taong wala talagang ideya kung sino siya ay hindi na niya maililigtas ang sarili. Masakit din na iyung tao na sobrang ispesyal ang turing niya, ay ang mga tao rin pala na babaligtad sa kanya dahil sa suhol ng mga taong walang ideya sa pagkatao niya.

Mortal lang din siya at hindi perpekto kaya nagkakamali rin siya, pero sa bawat pagkakamali niya na alam niyang mali siya talaga ay buong puso siyang humihingi ng tawad hindi para iligtas ang sarili niya kung hindi para maging maayos muli ang pakiramdam ng taong nasaktan niya.

Marami pa rin naman ang nagtitiwala sa kanya, (isa ako sa mga taong iyon) subalit hindi niya alam kung paanong makikisalamuha sa iba nang walang iniisip na dungis patungkol sa kanya. Mahirap ring linisin ang mantsang nakuha niya ng hindi inaasahan. At ngayong nasaktan siya, hindi niya na alam kung paanong kahaharapin iyung mga ispesyal na taong nakasakit sa kanya, kung mananatili pa rin ba ang pagtitiwala niya o ibabaling niya na lang ito sa mga taong mas karapat-dapat sa pagtinging 'special'.

Quitting doesn't mean that you lose but it's only a realization that you have to accept and let go of things which you think are unfair. Does he really have to move away, or stick where he used to be and just let his fate to vindicate him?

Sobrang buti niyang kaibigan, minsan nga ay nasasaktan na siya pero dahil sa katagang 'kaibigan' ay inaalis niya ang sakit na nararamdaman niya. Sobra din siyang magmahal at magtiwala kaya kapag nasaktan siya ay tagos-tagusan ang nadarama niya. Hindi siya nagpapaapekto sa iba pagdating sa kaaway pwera na lang kung isa rin siya sa mga idinadamay. Mabait na kaibigan ngunit nakakatakot na kaaway pero kung mabuti ang tao at walang dahilan para awayin ay ipaglalaban niya iyung tao na iyon kahit kanino mang bumabanat sa kanya.

Ganoon siya magmahal at magtiwala ngunit nagdadalawang isip siya kung naging tama lang ba ang mga paraan niya. Nagtatanong siya kung naging maayos lang ba ang pagpapatakbo niya sa buhay niya o kung kailangan niyang umisip ng 'move' na sa loob-loob niya ay masakit tanggapin pero maililigtas naman ang sarili niya. Dapat pa rin ba siyang manatili sa kung anong 'attitude' meron siya o oras na para maging selfish at isipin naman ang sarili niya.

Ang sagot ko ay ‘hindi ko alam’ pero nasa isip ko ang konseptong binigay ng aming propesor na: in reality, you always have to look after yourself for you don't know who will gonna back-stab you. There are moments that you have to be cruel for in reality, a dog is a dog.

However, never disregard ‘yin-yang’ or the balance between good and evil and just let things unfold. God has a very good purpose on letting these difficulties for him to pass through and at the end; new dawn will surely give light to the once ‘darker’ part of his life.

Politicking

(First published online on October 29, 2008)

For the past few months, I have tackled my different emotions contradicting my early write-up that I should only be posting blogs which were of influential to others. Now, to go back to that “boring” but with full sense topics, I’ll go politicking.

Enough of my emotions, let us first talk about what’s happening in the nation’s politics.

Every morning, I listen to DZBB’s Saksi, a news radio-program anchored by no less than veteran broadcast journalist, Mr. Mike Enriquez. This morning, the issue that they have been raising was about the arrival of Former Agriculture Undersecretary Jocelyn “Jocjoc” Bolante.

I was not related to Jocjoc nor to the fertilizer scam/scandal, but this issue seemed to tap my interest. Bolante was said to be the architect behind the scam which was somehow connected to the First Family.

If and only if Bolante would speak of the real score then perhaps this would be a great leap towards the hopes of many for us to have a moral government. The issue alone was very vague that many politicians, not only the first family, were related to it. If he could bravely state who were involved in the issue then we can now judge among our politicians if who were to be respected and who were the evil hiding beneath their black suits or ternos.

But the question is: what happens to Bolante? He’s in a hospital arrest at the St. Luke’s Hospital and the nation is now waiting for his recovery. Another thing that bothers my mind is if he is really sick. Can there be a possibilty that he is just joking the people pretending that he is sick? I then remember the idea that it is hard to wake someone who is not really asleep.

If this issue would be well taken care of and justice would properly be served then this is the beginning of a new government that is upright. So once again, it will boil down to the investigations, and to the judicial body of our nation. Good luck Philippines for having Secretary Raul Gonzales of the DOJ.

There are still many issues concerning the nation and large percent of that is attributed to corruption. Hello Euro Generals, NBN-ZTE Deal, etc. I am still hoping for a better Philippines. But I just don’t know when that will happen.

The true battle

(First published online on October 28, 2008)

I should have not joined the battle if I knew in the first place that the bets would have something to do with my friends. I should have surrendered at the very beginning when they have mentioned that many things will surely change after the battle.

There will be no more BOTA for 2008. This was the first statement of Prof. Edward Gonzales and Prof. Mabelle Olivera during the third annual Tri-media Advertising Campaign Competition dubbed as Battle of the Ads. However, due to certain conditions, they retracted their claim and pushed trough to have another one.

Four groups competed and among them were the Shrooms Advertising Solutions, 31st Avenue Media, Soleil Levant Advertising Agency and Playful Mind Generations Ad Agency. The battle was successful and PMG Ad Agency grabbed the title of the grand champion. Luckily, I was among the copywriters of that group and I was also chosen as one of the frontliners who defended the campaign in front of the panelist.

Former competitors mentioned that even how beautiful one group’s campaign was, everything will still boil down to how the frontliners will try to defend their executions on the said judgment day which on our case was last October 17, 2008 at the Robinson’s Place Ermita, Manila. Not to boast but I guess that part of the winning factors can be attributed to the five frontliners who stood in front of the hundreds of spectators.

Being part of the group, I was like a silent eye that saw how almost everybody functions inside the team. There were those who thinks, those who shell out their physical capabilities in running for the props that were stated on the very last minute before the submission, there were those who give out their allowances for the unexpected payments, while there were those just smirk at what the others were doing.

My primary task as one of the copywriters was to write a script for the TV and radio commercial, music video, etc. So to say, I have done what I believed was my job. There were people who have done multi-tasking and there were those who overlapped with the others’ works. Sadly, I was among them. My sole intention was to make our craft more idealistic not minding what others were feeling. My friend told me that I should no longer be doing that, and when I realized my fault, I immediately quitted it.

At the last minute of our preparations, our team captain ordered that just to be able to submit the needed requirements, we could already run errands for the others. At the point, I was quite reluctant to do it for I realized that it is no longer my job. Then again, for the sake of the team, I did it.

But that was not the highlight of my blog-post, I just mentioned one of the problems that we faced inside our group.

Actually, I want to address this post to one of my so-called friends. We have been together for some time and I also admired this person’s intelligence as well as this person’s innate skills. Since I am considering this person as my friend, I have told this person some of my feelings or even secrets saying that this person should not let anyone know about it.

Then all of a sudden, someone told me that this person have raised my secret during a conversation with my fellow blockmates, and not just to my fellow-ordinary blockmates but to those whom I considered as the black sheep in our team. Well, this secret is not really related to me but I consider this as a sensitive one so I always handle the topic carefully. To open it to other people without my prior consent was what I hated. This person doesn’t even have the right to mention it to other and this person said that this person will keep what I have told no matter what.

Lately, others were saying that there could be something wrong with this person only that they can’t figure it out. Now, I think, I have the answer. Others were trying to decline this person but since I don’t know yet this person’s true color, before, I am always on the defense. Now, I will try to open my eyes and be vigilant, to offense.

The deed is done and now the impact of what this person had done to me was truly great. I should have believed at the very beginning on what the others were saying against this person. If there was one prize that I truly received at the battle of the ads, it is the fact that I have known the others’ true colors.

This was maybe one of the reasons why I couldn’t whole-heartedly proclaim that we have become the champion. We won in the eyes of the spectators but inside, we learned our true lessons.

After the announcement of winners, I have frantically received text messages coming from bitter members of the other group saying that we should have not won in the first place. I just said that we would be able to prove them wrong some other time.

After the battle, I also realized that there were poisonous snakes wandering at the corridors of our department. This was what I think the reason why we can’t really be on top. Looking at the facilities, mass comm of AdU has incomparable equipments but the people behind it were not that good in terms of personality.

The greatest lesson that we have learned in the event was not in the academics but in the attitude of the people behind us. Learn whom you will trust and always care to mind yourself.

If and only if… tsk. tsk. tsk… (-.-)

P.S.
- Job well done, PMG. Congratulations and Good luck on the upcoming events.

Series of thoughts

(First published online on October 24, 2008)

After a month of being busy, at least muli na naman akong makakapag-post ng mga blog entries and to start, here are some of my ideas that sprouted from the two sides of my brain. Ngayon ko lang sila maipo-post sa internet kasi ngayon lang ako medyo na-free.

***

 “Isa tayong Mass Communication student at may mga bagay na sadyang wag man sabihin sa atin ng harap-harapan ay naiintindihan na natin dahil napag-aaralan natin ang bawat kinikilos ng mga taong nasa paligid.”

Mensahe yan sa akin at gusto ko lang gamitin ngayon. Okay, para saan nga ba? May mga bagay kasi na hindi sa akin sinasabi ng personal pero in one way or another ay nalalaman ko rin. Hindi totoong wala akong pakialam, nagkataon lang na ayaw mong magkwento kaya naman hindi kita pinakikinggan. Hindi rin naman ako ang taong magtatanong sa iyo dahil hindi ako atribida na mahilig maki-alam ng buhay ng may buhay. Pero alam mo naman na kapag nag-open ka, I’m more than willing to listen.

 ***

How does it feel to be misinterpreted?! Ganito:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Now, wala talaga akong pakialam na kung iyung ibang mga tao ay hindi na ako direktang maintindihan as long as yung idea na sinusunod ko ay tama. Sa mga nakaka-misinterpret sa akin ay bahala na kayo. This is me and I never live just to please anybody.

 ***

Sana nga lang naiintindihan ng lahat na may mga bagay na wala naman talagang ibang pakahulugan pero bakit kailangang bigyan ng kulay. Ayoko ng magsalita pero minsan nakakainis na kasi. May mga tao kasi na harap-harapan na kung maka-bastos pero ang pangit ay hindi nila iyun naiintindihan na minsan sobrang mali na ang nagagawa nila.

Bobo ang tingin ko sa mga taong kung gustong magpatawa ay pababa kung titira. I believe in what my former professor had told me, we can laugh at jokes which were executed intellectually. Huwag sanang maging mababaw ang mga tao.

***

Production:

May umiyak, may tumawa.
May nagalit, nagkaroon ng kaaway.
Nagkaroon ng kampihan, may mga nang-iwan.
May napagod habang ang iba ay nagpahinga.
May napagalitan, may napagsabihan.
May nakakunot ang noo habang ang iba ay ay parang walang problema.
Meron mang nasaktan, dapat marunong magpatawad.
Dahil sa banding huli, tayo pa rin ay isang grupo
na may isang layunin na siyang manalo.

Note: I made this short poem while in the midst of the competition for the battle of the ads and ito ay na-group message ko sa mga ka-blockmates ko with a post-script saying, “mag-angas kung may karapatan pero kung wala, manahimik na lang,” nang walang direktang pinatatamaan. Nagulat na lang ako the next day dahil marami pala ang silently nag-react at natamaan. Ang nasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko ay bato-bato sa langit, ang tamaan, GUILTY. Hehehe.

***

There were certain things that need not to be so spoon-feed. Kailangan ng subliminal messages para mabigyan ng pagkakataon ang kabilang party para makapag-isip...

Ito ang attitude ko towards people at marami nga ang nagsasabi na kapag ako daw ang nagsalita, minsan, mahabang explanation or super matalinhaga na hindi na nila naiintindihan. Ang sagot ko naman ay hindi iyon para sa akin kung hindi para rin sa mga kinakausap ko na isiping mabuti kung ano man ang tinuturan sa kanila ng mga kausap nila.

***

Another lesson learned, huwag basta-basta maniniwala sa mga taong nasa paligid mo dahil ang mga inakala mong kaibigan, hindi mo lang alam kung kailan ka ilalaglag. May mga tao kasi na inakala mo kakampi mo, iyun pala ay iiputan ka rin sa ulo dahil madali silang bumigay sa ibang tao. Para lang din makasabay sa usapan ng iba ay magagawang ibunyag ang sinabi mong dapat ay nakatago lamang. Sayang at nasira ang pagkakakilala ko sa iyo. Walang sikretong hindi nabubunyag kaya kung may itinatago ka ay sarilinin mo na lang muna at balang araw ay lalabas din naman iyan.

 ***

Now, I don’t want to drop names not because I’m afraid of them but because, some of the topics were too delicate. Napakalawak din ng mundo na ginagalawan natin kaya sana naman ay walang maka-misinterpret sa mga tinuran ko. Kung sakaling natatamaan ka or may kakilala ka na posibleng pinatutunguhan ng mga mensahe ko, tandaan mong ako lang ang may karapatang magpatunay kung tama nga ang inaakala mo. In short, NEVER ASSUME.

Kaibigan

(First published online on October 14, 2008)

Minsan, may nagtanong sa akin kung ano ba ang kaibigan? Sinagot ko siya ng buong lakas na ang kaibigan para sa akin ay iyung someone na makakatulong sa oras na kailangan ko.

Last Saturday, may naikwento sa akin ang isa kong kaibigan. May kilala daw siyang lalaki at lubos niya itong pinahahalagahan. Dahil sa kagagaling lang nito sa isang break-up ay dinala niya ito sa isang lugar na kung saan marami siyang makikilala upang maging bagong kaibigan.

Doon ay may nakilala siyang babae at dahil sa tao na iyon na naging “gf” niya ay mabilis na naka-move on ang guy. Nagtagal ang relasyon nila ng isang taon at matapos iyon ay muli na naman siyang iniwan ng babae. Sa pagkakataong ito ay hindi na talaga siya makaahon at lubhang nalugmok ang lalaki. Tanga na kung tanga ang pagkakalarawan sa kanya pero nanatili pa rin siya sa sitwasyong patuloy na nasisira ang buhay. Hindi naman tumitigil sa pagpapa-alala sa kanya ang kaibigan ko.

Nalaman na lang ng kaibigan ko na kaya pala siya nagkaganoon ay dahil sa bago mag-break ay may nangyari na sa guy at sa noon ay gf niya. Pinilit daw ng babae na makipag-sex sa guy at dahil sa first time iyon ng guy ay inakala niyang ang “act” na iyon ay para lang mas lalo pang mapagtibay ang relasyon nila, not knowing na matagal na pala iyong ginagawa ng babae. Ang ginawa lang pala nila ay for pleasure lamang para sa girl. Para lang matikman ang guy at para lang ma-sustain ang kanyang sexual desires ay nagawa niyang sirain ang nakakaawang buhay ng lalaki.

Dahil sa takot na baka mapagalitan ang lalaki ay nilihim na lang nila ito ng pinaka-close friend niya. Nalaman na lang ito ng kaibigan ko lately dahil sa sobrang na nga siyang naaawa sa kalagayan ng lalaki. Malaki ang tiwala niya sa guy pero sa nangyari ay labis niyang pinaghinayangan ang buhay nito. Nangyari na ang mga nangyari at pakiramdam niya ay hirap na siya na tulungan pa ang kaibigan.

Last minute ay napaisip ako na kung ako ang nasa kalagayan ng kaibigan ko, mas gugustuhin kong huwag na lang malaman ang tungkol sa bagay na ito. Sa tingin ko kasi ay kahit sobra na ang aking paalala ay sadyang hindi ako naging magaling na negotiator. I was never a good communication specialist and most specially, I have never been an effective friend. Sobra akong masasaktan kasi kahit anong sabihin ko ay hindi naman pala ako pinakikinggan gayong ako naman ang mas nakakakilala sa tao dahil ako ang nag-introduce sa kanya sa lugar na iyon.

Kaya kung mangyayari man iyon sa totoong buhay ko ay sana huwag ko na lang talaga malaman hindi dahil sa wala akong pakialam bagkus dahil sa ayokong masaktan ng dahil sa kaibigan. Bahala siya sa buhay niya pero sanakapag nagsalita ako bilang kaibigan niya ay makinig siya. Kung sakali man na nagkamali siya, huwag niya na lang sana sabihin sa akin iyon dahil ang labas noon ay hindi pala niya ako lubusang pinagkatiwalaan sa mga tinuran ko sa kanya.

Ganyan kasi ako magpahalaga sa mga tao lalo na kapag sinabi ko na ikaw ay aking ‘kaibigan’.

Does money matter?

(First published online on August 20, 2008)

Last Saturday, 9th of August, I was amongst the lucky viewers of Tanghalang Pilipino's Golden Child at the Cultural Center of the Philippines. It was a stage play and offered free as a privilege of being a student reporter. Watching that kind of play at that high class theater seems to be the finest hours of my life, so far.

The play was literally full of sarcasms in the script which made the version funny. Now, I just want to quote a line from one of the actresses who played as the first wife of the Chinese man. She said: "Thank you Lord for the creation of money. Without it, how will we measure true love?" The line was funny for just a second but analyzing it, I realized that it was damn serious.

My Economics Professor once mentioned before that in our present world, money is not everything though it can buy almost anything. Practicality and reality check, at these times, you can't just say that money is nothing. Maybe for a while but not for a lifetime.

Today is the moment when we can almost say that money truly makes the world go round. You can love without money but can you live without it? Even in the sense of love, money is still present. Sometimes, I laugh on those people who fully profess their emotions towards their loved ones and yet still ask their parents for their allowance.

In politics or even in governance, people are fighting and killing other people who are sometimes their friend just for the sake of money. Truly, they can't bring it to heaven when they die but doing such irrelevant acts sometimes connote that money is really important. You can't say that money is only the poor's problem for even the rich ones consider money as one of their problems.

Money is the root of evil - well, I don't think so. I believe that money is created for the people, who somehow tells that it isn't dirty at all but love for that paper is the root of all evil.

What I'm trying to point out with this post?! Well, I just want to appeal on everyone that we have to value money. I don't care if you're too rich or just rich but you have to think that money is important to everyday living so don't just waste it. If for you, money is nothing well you might think that for me, it is otherwise. You can enjoy the simplest things yet not spending a lot of money.

Money can't measure happiness or true love but it is for practicality on living our daily lives.

Film Review: Dogville


(First published online on August 12, 2008)

A stage drama shown in a format of a motion picture, Dogville which starred Nicole Kidman was a true to life film of a small town over the hill that depicts hypocrisy among the characters.

Grace, played by Kidman was a daughter of a mobster who escaped and decided to live as a fugitive in the town of Dogville. Since her presence imposed a grave threat over the townsmen, she worked for them not minding their selfish behavior towards her. When the people realized that they were in grave danger along with Grace, they decided to malign her even up to the point of making her as a sex slave. Grace didn't complain though at the end, she realized that what the people had been doing was wrong and so she had her sweet revenge. She let his father's mafia to kill all the people in the village and the only living creature who survived was the dog.

The setting was disorienting at first due to its no-walled surface but as the play progresses, you'll be amazed by the exact execution of the sound effects just as if it was actually happening. Like for example, when the character opens the imaginary door and the appropriate sound effects follow. In terms of technicalities and the right dispersion of the motion picture's ideas, it was seemingly perfect.

Now, I just want to highlight the main concepts that can be considered as true to life in the motion picture:

1. Revenge is all but natural. At the beginning, Grace just let others do what they want to from her but when she realized that it had to be stopped then she just burst all her hatred to all the devilish villagers. In real life, most psychologists say that there are moments when even the kindest person will have to release his/her hidden anger especially when he/she had enough.
2. Birds of the same feather flock together. Grace when she arrived at Dogville was an elegant lady who can be recognized as a true heiress but as she lived and be part of the town, she acquired the different attitudes of the townsmen even including their looks as filthy individuals. Sometimes, who you’re with influence you and more often than not, you can’t notice it. Go with the studious and sooner or later, you’ll be like them. Sometimes, social aspects influence your personality.
3. Consider all the people that enter in your life. Grace then thought that Tom was already the right man for her but at the end, she found out that she was just being fooled by Tom. It is hard to peel the real man’s personality but it is possible. Everything takes time and never just put your trust on anyone for maybe, you don’t know his true intentions. Know him/her first before deciding whether this person can really be trusted.
4. Never be hypocrite. The townsmen including Tom were already unhappy with what was happening in Dogville but none of them tried to go for they were afraid on what lies ahead. If you are unsatisfied with what is happening then by all means you do have a choice and you can decide to move on. No one controls your life but only you so nobody can dictate you as to what can be good for you. Always try to venture on other things. Contentment appears side by side with happiness and satisfaction so if you are unhappy and unsatisfied with your surrounding then don’t be hypocrite and quit it then pursue where you can really be contented.
5. Never be excited. The villagers, as Grace arrived were too excited by her presence up to point that they never mind their safety as long as they can associate themselves to the new person. It happens in real life especially when someone entered your life and not realizing that you are becoming excited and curious with this newbie. One perfect example of this was the experience of someone I knew during her high school days. She was in third year then and since fist year, they were already in a block section. But one transferee entered their block and all the boys go gaga over this girl even if that girl was not really pretty. Just because the guys were already used to their classmates, the new girl creates that excitement on all the guys up to point that even if they don’t love her, they courted her. It is not really because of love but it is truly because of the excitement and curiosity the other individuals felt.

With this concepts and amazing scenes such as falling snow only along the streets and raging fire but not burning the floor of the stage plus the good acting of the characters, the motion picture was truly ideal for everyone.

Note: the film was not release internationally and there were only limited copies worldwide. Our professor in Film Appreciation told us that we were somehow blessed by watching this great film.

Stage Play Review: Golden Child

(First published online on August 11, 2008)

"Confucius said that in order for a man to rule his nation, he must first control himself," thus said the first wife.

The stage-drama entitled Golden Child is a story of a Chinese man who trailed his way home to mainland China bringing new beliefs that he learned when he did his business at the Philippines. As a Chinese, he found out the western concepts that Filipinos believed in. Another Filipino belief is the Christianity or the Catholicism which was renowned in the oriental country.

Acquiring all these beliefs, the Chinese man as he returned home wanted to strictly adapt these changes even to his three wives and other town people. In doing so, he never realize that changes are constant even if you wish it or not. At the end, his child from his first wife who was tagged as the golden child was the only one who made him realize that in order to live satisfactorily, one must only go with the flow not thinking of himself but of the common good.

The stage play was a drama presented hilariously to create that ambiance of association for the audience to the actors. The players performed well not minding that they almost made my nose bleed. The lighting and sounds were well executed. The props and wardrobes were also relevant making the viewers feel as if they were really in China.

The important lesson in the play was that change is natural and you don't have to look for it. You must not also dictate others to adapt change for the best emancipation will come not from others but still from your own self especially when you realize that it is necessary.

Flash

(First published on August 11, 2008)

I have made a decision and that's final. But before I came up with that decision, I took several hours even a day perhaps for I want to have a clear explanation as to how will I stand by that decision.

I have never forsaken anyone or anybody with that choice. I also want to inculcate in the minds of some people that I never did it for the sake of my own happiness.

I was happy maybe, but not as much when I was with the original. I have made some mistakes but analyzing it I realize that I am just after for the common good.

I don't want to act as kill joy. I am just being practical with my decisions.

Given a chance, I would definitely choose the original. But it just so happens that I have to deal with that ego just to feel alright.

And also, not because that I am smiling, it means that I am happy and that I perfectly wanted it for maybe behind those smiles lie my true emotions.

For the record, stop acting as a child. Everything has a reason and that reason is sometimes crucial up to the point that I don't want to divulge it further.

I never wanted to stage any war against anybody by doing this post but sometimes, I realize that I also have to express my explanations. Jokes are said not to make you laugh but for you to think.

Stage Play Review: Hayskul Musical


(First published online on August 11, 2008)

Hayskul Musical, a ballet-drama which starred internationally-acclaimed ballet dancer, Liza Macuja - Elizalde and her organization Ballet Manila, gave life to the Filipino version of the worldwide hit, High School Musical.

It was a comedic performance showcasing the talents of the actors in ballet dancing. They made the audience laugh while relieving the high school memories of the viewers. Among the highlighted scenes was the psychological competition among groups of hippies, nerds, cheerers, athletes and others. Courtship among students and other students, and even teachers to their co-teachers were also presented. Graduation of the students and the remarkably funny presence of Principal Procorpio Tilapia were also shown. Liza played as one of the teachers in the said high school.

It was shown at the Adamson Theater last August 6, 2008 and students and professors from the Physical Education Department graced the event. Before the performance-proper, Ms. Liza first discussed some lessons about ballet including the history and basic steps of the dance.

The show sacrificed the element of providing a really sensible story but their beautiful dance steps amazed the audience and it proved that they really have something to show. All in all, the story was some sort of a cliché but their dance steps were brilliant.

Moderation

(First published online on August 9, 2008)

One time I told myself to moderate my greed. Then suddenly, I burst into laughter for again, I'm letting my political virtue to cover me with a predisposition.

The statement "you moderate your greed," was said by a politician whose name I forgot and it's in accordance with the alleged corruption in the country. It's also included in the so called "korapsyonari", a spoof of dictionary about words or statements related to corruption.

Now, what the hell does this mean and why have I mentioned this to myself? Maybe it's because I'm realizing that I am becoming more selfish at the moment. Selfish in a way that I always want others to first think of me. Also in the same way like Madame President is controlling the minds of people in the society just to remain seated at the crown of glory in the Malacañan Palace.

I hate this feeling when I am being tested upon situations that really required me to think of the possible solutions. Is this part of the negative portion in learning the theory proposed by Altman and Taylor?! Am I just imagining things? Well then, if that is the case then I would call it hallucinations rather than imaginations.

Moderating your greed is an indirect approach saying that one must know his limitations in terms of corruption. In terms of life matters, it is also an indirect statement saying that one must know when to decide between what is legal and what is moral. It also connotes that you must not let others control you for we are in a democratic country.

Now, what is the real essence of this blog entry? The truth is I don’t know, maybe I’m just starting to realize again the value or benefit of having someone.

My journey sa Bahay ni Maria

(First published online on July 18, 2008)

Despite the problems in our transportation, time allowance, lack of participants and others, is one of the greatest lessons that I've learned outside the four corners of my classroom. Memories that I've had in the Home of the Aged were amongst my most treasured ones.

July 12, 2008, I was blessed to be part of the team of the Academic Scholars Alliance of Adamson University that conducted a religious/outreach activity at the Bahay ni Maria, a shelter for the aged and street children located at Calamba, Laguna. At first, I thought that it will be a boring experience for I knew nobody in the team but when I started to step foot on the site, I realized that it will be a fruitful one.

At the place, I met the elders which some of them had an Alzheimer’s disease that they acted like children who do know nothing about themselves. There were also some street children, physicians, intern-caregivers and helpers in the place who are looking after the elders.

The mother-superior who happened to be the head of the foundation warmly welcomed us and after eating our lunch, we immediately proceeded to our program and started to act as adopted grandsons and daughters of the elders.

That time, I was thinking hard of the challenges that I've been facing and in a way, that event gave me time to escape my reality and think of what I can do for the elders to somehow remember me even if I leave their place. I was assigned to look after one of the naughtiest elders and since that was the first time that I took care of an aged woman, at first, I didn't know what to do but I just let things happen and the program ended quite well.

Ate Inday, the elder that I took care of has an Alzheimer’s disease so I knew that sooner or later, she would forget me but at least, for a single moment, I made an impact to her by making her laugh with the drawing that I presented to her. I thought that what I did was the most important thing to consider.

I went home tired and ragged but the fact that I had made some body laugh even for a little time was what matters to me. I had fun during my stay at the place and the idea that I have conceived there was not all the time, I have to carry or think of all the difficulties or challenges that I've been facing at the moment for sometimes, we need not to be selfish and think of what is beneficial to others. I successfully escaped but I made an impact to somebody.

Yet another one

(First published online on July 14, 2008)

Last Sunday, I walked my way home from Vito Cruz and noticed the simple things that gave life to my surroundings.

May dalawang babaeng nagku-kwentuhan ng sa tingin ko ay tunkol sa mga isyu sa paaralan. Hindi naman sinasadyang narinig ko ang sinabi ng isa na traydor daw si Miss Infiesto. Kung hindi lang ako nagmamadaling umuwi ay makikinig sana ako sa buong usapan nila. I wonder why she had said that. By the way, Ma’am Infiesto was my former Filipino teacher in Araullo High kaya naman na-curious talaga ako.

Sa paglalakad ko pa ay narinig ko naman ang pag-aaway ng mag-asawa. Nagtatalo sila dahil daw umano sa kabit ng babae na patuloy naming pinabubulaanan ng babae. Wala namang physical contact sa away nila kaso nga lang maririnig mo talaga ang malutong nilang murahan.

Mayroon namang magba-barkada na akala mo ay sa Glorietta pupunta dahil sa pagiging OA nila pagdating sa porma kahit pa nakaupo lang naman sila sa bangketa. Mayroon din namang mga lalaking nag-iinuman at malakas na nagtatawanan na akala mo ay magkakalayo kung mag-usap dahil ang buong pagyayabangan nila ay maririnig na ng buong bayan.

Mayroon din namang mga nanay na nakatanghod sa isang sulok na sa tingin ko ay nagtsi-tsismisan. Nakakatuwa silang tignan at kung pwede nga lang ay lalapitan ko sila para tanungin kung kaninong buhay na naman ang sinisira nila. Mayroon din namang mga matitinong taona patuloy pa rin sa pagta-trabaho para makapamuhay sa araw-araw.

Ang pinakanakakatuwa sa lahat ay ang isang batang nagbibisikleta na nung Makita ako ay biglang sumigaw ng “AdU bulok”. Nang mga oras na iyon kasi ay naka-AdU shirt ako, syempre to promote Adamson University at nang marinig ko ang bata ay natuwa na lang ako. Alam ko kasing hindi niya pinag-iisipan ang nasabi niya dahil kung bulok ang unibersidad ko ay ano pang masasabi niya sa ibang mga colleges and universities na kinokondena dito sa Metro Manila, super bulok to the highest level?! At bilang nag-iisang University sa Pilipinas na may Greek roots, maipagmamalaki din naman ang facilities and the kind of education that we have. Kaya nga kahit saan ay magagawa kong ipaglaban ang AdU eh.

Sa totoo lang, hilig ko rin ang paglalakad. Hindi lang kapag wala na akong pamasahe kundi lalo na kapag marami akong iniisip dahil marami akong napagtatanto kapag naglalakad. Like this time, na-realize ko iyung maliliit na bagay na nagbibigay kulay sa kapaligiran ng Metro, Manila. Mapa-mali o mapa-tama, kapag kinalakihan mo na ay mami-miss mong talaga.

The bigger thing that I’ve realized this time was that if we are to analyze first and solve the small wrong deeds happening in our surroundings then maybe we can look for a better solution to the nation’s problem. Sabi nga, magsimula tayo sa maliliit na bagay bago tumalon sa mas malalaking problema sa lipunan.

The truth is by walking last Sunday, hindi ko nasagot ang mga tanong ko sa sarili but I have contributed a lot for the nation through this blog. Kung mababasa nga lang sana nila ito noh? Oh well.

Mi adios

(First published online on June 29, 2008)

Let me first quote Luis Cemuda's line in his writing; "Si El Hombre Pudiera Decir"

Tu justificas mi existencia
Si no te conozco, no he vivido
Si muero sin conocerte,
No muero, porque no he vivido.


Hmmm, and now my message which was an open letter to my first Editors:


To: Jena Lynn Enage Peliño
      Gervic Rocela Salmin Estella

Especially for the two of you:

A Brief History… Once upon a time, different individuals had undergone a kind of nerve wrecking examination and panel interviews that will determine a group whose primary objective was to serve the whole Vincentian community. After months of waiting, finally, they came up with a group who voluntarily will commit themselves in giving juicy facts to inform the public.

These different students from different colleges and departments were once stuck in a cold room at the VPSA office listening to Atty. Julius Babista who explained what organization had these students entered. The next day, they met again but only six made to come and they were Jena Lynn (Jen), Gervic, Elaine (Mikay), Katherine (Kit-kat), Cherie (Che) and Bryan Edward(just Bryan). These six students battle to make the organization’s constitution and by-laws which was after all, the org’s skeleton.

Next moment, these six students found themselves on a bus going to Baguio along with the other students namely: Anthony, Joshua (Josh), Rodelon (Noli), Marc Deus (just Deus), Kyra (Kywa) and Dante. They were later found out to be part of the organization too. All in all, these twelve students plus Ma’am Arlene who is the technical adviser comprises the new editorial board of the re-established official student publication of Adamson University, The Adamson Chronicle. In Baguio, we learn to know more about our mates. We found out their reasons for joining the group, their characteristics, likes and dislikes and etc. From there, we learn that in little ways, we should love each other.

Despite the good bonding moments in Baguio, two of the members were ripped off due to different reasons. They were Kyra and Dante who were actually not among us but part of another news organ which was Ugnayan. However, we know in ourselves that we can survive and we must survive and from that day onwards, we learn to thoroughly understand our co-member that we actually treat each other not only as friends but best or even special friends. From then we started to gather facts that will compose our paper. We were also introduced to the penthouse which was our haven in the University.

On 12th of February, 2008, we released our first issue. Of course, all organizations have detractors and so we also have ours. Criticisms were sad on our part but we took it more of a challenge to enhance our craft for we know that we will still survive. After the tiring nights of press-works, April 8 of that same year, during the commencement rights, we released our second issue. The better issue I might say for everything has been furnished. Almost everybody liked it except of course, the hecklers who once again criticized the paper. For us, this was just the start of the time that we actually give the true glory of the publication.

Now, amidst the months of being with us, we cannot replace all those wonderful and precious moments that we had gained. We shall never stop on thinking about our sweet laughter’s and bitter arguments. Those little but unforgettable things that we actually considered as gems, all of these treasures will be kept inside our very hearts and we don’t know when will it come out again.

Now, every beginning has its own end. And from the way we see it, this had been the right moment when we will finally bid our goodbyes. But we all know that goodbyes are not forever so chances are we will be going to meet each other again. And as a reminder to the two of you as you walk outside the campus to the reality in life:

The one that loves us never really leaves us. We can always find them here, in our hearts.

Truly, as you go along, you will continue to stay in our hearts and we shall assure you of the unending love and friendship. Once more, we wish you good luck, God bless and may the two of you always have the best for the simple reason that the two of you deserve it. Most especially, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, no more words shall be enough to describe all the times that you shared with us. Congratulations to all the jobs almost perfectly done.

So long Ate Jen and Ate Gervic, till’ we meet again.


P.S. this was my supposed gift in the despedida party that was not held anymore.

To all the fathers out there

(First published online on June 16, 2008)

It was late in the afternoon when he called up home and asked us to meet him at the plaza for he would treat us. My sister and I immediately dressed up and went to meet him. At the plaza, he ordered us some pizza while he ate shawarma. By then, I realized how fortunate we were for we had somebody who can devote special time for us even if he had a busy schedule.

He was a supervisor then at a Japanese Restaurant in Manila Hotel. And I always remembered during my early days when he would bring me to the hotel at tour me around at different restaurants where I can eat as many clubhouse sandwiches as I can. But by 1996, he resigned and from that point, changes begin to enter in our lives.

He didn’t look for any other jobs and all he had to do was to drink liquors almost every day. I’ve seen him at his worst when he and my mother had a quarrel over small things that he threw anything that he held. But when he was diagnosed with diabetes, he turned to a good husband though he really couldn’t let go of his only vice.

He was more of a disciplinarian and of a strict father. I was always beaten up for every mistake that I did. Even small wrong acts would make him so angry that he would hit me immediately. For that reason, I almost hated him.

April of 2004, he died of liver cancer and other complications. I can still recall the very moment when the doctor declared that he passed away. I didn’t want to cry that time for I remember all those times when he was beating me up. But when the nurses started to cover his body, I couldn’t help but cry. I just held his cold hands thinking of all the wonderful memories that we’ve had in the past. Tears just fell from my eyes for I realized that those moments wouldn’t replace the times when he was hitting my body and I realized that he was just doing those things for he wanted me to learn. From that point, I just firmly held his hand while I cried loudly beside him.

Now, four years of not being with him, I can still remember how he molds my personality. Parts of my attitude came from him and just like him, I learn to look and care for myself.  I would forever cherish all the moments that we’ve shared in the past.

While I gaze upon the sky, I always think that you are in one those million stars that continues to look, light and guide my path and for that reason, I wouldn’t forget to greet you on this special day: Happy Father’s Day and thank you for everything.

P.S. Happy Father’s Day also to the daddies out there who are always known to be the head of the family, and a man of responsibility and commitment towards the fulfillment of his obligation. They were also the heroes that resemble to an armored being who will fight for the sake of his family. Whatever we call him, he will always be one of the reasons why we live on this earth.

Salute to all the brave Fathers out there.

Immaturity

(First published online on June 7, 2008)

Sabi sa akin, kapag may pumasok na ideya sa isip mo, isulat mo agad dahil mabilis lang yan mawawala. Kaya naman ito, iba-blog ko na lang siya.

Kaninang umaga isang masamang balita ang bumulaga sa akin, patay na raw si Daboy, hehehehe. As if I care, sabi ko sa mama ko pero nang manuod ako sa tv at buksan ko ang radyo, grabe at sobra nilang binibigyan ng atensyon si Rudy Fernandez. By the way, bakit nga ba pinag-aaksayahan ko rin siya ng panahon. Hehehehe.

Kidding aside, wala iyung kay daboy ha, hindi niya ako fan, gusto ko lang talagang simulan ang blog ko na ito ng nagpapatawa kasi malamang, dito na magsimula ang lahat ng pagbabago sa buhay ko.

I can consider this day as one of the bad days in my life. May dalawang bagay kasi na nawala sa akin kahit sa totoo lang ay hindi pa naman sila napapasakin. Iyung una, medyo madali lang kalimutan dahil hindi naman siya ganoong malapit sa akin eh.

Pero iyung isa, ewan ko talaga. Hindi ko nga alam kung matutuwa ako or sobrang malulungkot dahil sa totoo lang, hanggang ngayon ay magulo pa rin ang isip ko. Kahit nga pagbuo ng mga sentences sa blog na ito ay nahihirapan ako dahil hindi ko talaga alam kung paano magsisimula. Ang masakit pa doon ay nangyayari ito dahil sa pagiging immature ko. Bakit nga ba ako naging ganito? Ang dakilang sagot ay DAHIL SA IYO.

Minsan tumatawa na lang ako pero deep inside, sobrang dumudugo na ang puso ko. Tumatawa ako kasi hindi ko alam kung paanong magre-react sa mga nalaman ko. May hiningi akong sagot at isa iyun sa mga naging dahilan kung bakit nasaktan ako. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko pala kayang harapin iyung sagot na hinihintay kong manggagaling sa iyo. Minsan, nagkukunwari na lang pala akong matatag dahil sa pride ko na ayokong nalalaman nila na ordinaryong tao rin pala ako at nasasaktan.

Final message: I would definitely move on. The damage has already been done and buti na lang madadalian akong gawin iyon dahil paniguradong magiging busy na ako sa mga darating na araw. Kakalimutan ko na ang talagang nararamdaman ko sa iyo tulad nang dating ginawa ko. Masakit pero ganyan talaga ang buhay dapat lang na minsan marunong kang masaktan at bumangong muli upang malaman mong sa mundo, marami pang nakalaang bagay para sa iyo. 

"SORRY at hanggang dito na lang pero, tandaan mong lagi lang akong nandito."

Broken

(First published online on June 4, 2008)

Looking onto nothingness, I can realize sort of things. Things that may have been the reason why I was acting like mad for the past few days. It's like finding a solution to the unending questions that once never existed in my mind.

Before, I underwent a series of mental torture over a certain topic that I no longer wanted to divulge. And since I realized in myself that it was wrong, I chose to reject that idea and clear it from my mind. Well, nothing bad happened after I did that.

Now, I only realized it this time that through the small, successive movements that others may have been unconsciously doing, I was drawn to be persuaded to accept that idea for they are saying that it can be right. Since it was already late, I just found myself at the middle of the two latitudes; will I accept it this time, or is it right to dump it again?

I am confused as well as in the state of denial for I find myself in the level of non commitment. Since I was already persuaded to embrace that idea, it is hard to reject it anymore for surely, I will be broken into pieces. But if I accept it this time, then I am to face the chaos that may have happen. I can hurt myself but what I do can also hurt others.

Dumbledore once stated that it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies but takes a great deal more to stand up to your friends. Just one act or decision can alter or affect others and I don't want to use this situation. I must not use it for consequences may be severe.

Sometimes I can't help but be sad for what I feel is even harder than being broken hearted. Sometimes I just wish that I was a robot, doesn't have a heart or feelings that can be broken.

What's worse is when after I realized it, I still can't help but prolong my agony. Sometimes I wish that I can be immune to being hurt or that others including her may stop from instilling that idea to my mind. I wish I was insensitive and that, the idea just moves on.

However, for now, I still want it to dominate me for my happiness can sometimes be found even in the darkest of times of my life, but I only have to remember to on the lights.

Baahh, I simply wish that I can be stuck in classes wherein I am thinking of my homeworks, projects, or even future lessons. In these times, I anticipate more to coming back to classes where I can focus myself to my studies. Maybe through that, the idea can no longer bother me that much.

When it really hurts

(First published online on June 4, 2008)

Masakit ang magkaroon ng boses subalit hindi naman pinakikinggan ng iba. Masakit ang magpakahirap lalo na kung wala namang nakaka-appreciate ng mga ginagawa mo. Masakit isipin na ang mga tao sa paligid mo ay malalaman mong wala palang paki-alam sa iyo. Masarap sa una nginit kung iisipin mong mabuti, masakit marinig na sasabihin sa iyong gawin mo na lahat ng gusto mong gawin sa buhay mo, basta't huwag mo lang kaming ipapahiya sa iba. Tanong ko lang sa sarili: ano naman kung minsan ay madamay sila sa nagawa kong pagkakamali at masaktan o mapahiya, hindi na ba sila muling makatatayo sa sarili nilang mga paa? Pinatunayan lang dito na hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin silang tiwala sa kakayahan ko.

Mahirap din ang magtiwala sa lahat ng mga tao sa paligid mo. Minsan kasi iyun nang mga inakala mong kaibigan mo ay magagawa pa palang talikuran at hamakin ka kapag hindi ka na nakaharap sa kanila. Masakit na dahil nakilala ka nilang masayahin, ang akala nila, lahat ng biro ay pwede na. Hindi na nila iniisip na minsan, kahit biro ay nakakasakit na. Masakit rin na dahil nakakabit na sila sa pinaniniwalaan nilang maganda kahit hindi naman talaga matino sa iba, ay hindi na nila matanggap na pakinggan ang ideya ko kahit na ang iniisip ko lang naman ay para sa kabutihan ng lahat. Isa rin itong pagpapatunay na kahit binibigay mo na ang lahat ng makakaya mo, hindi pa rin sila tuluyang nagtitiwala sa iyo.

At ang pinag-iisipan ko sa ngayon; just like in the quote: it's when you don't know where you stand in a person’s life, it's when you're hanging in dead air and knowing you can be thrown off anytime. It's when you're like more than friends but not really, and it's like you're lovers when it's really otherwise. Sometimes I would want to wish to have never met that person at all but at the back of my mind, I'm thankful I had.

Ang sarap minsan sumigaw at sumuntok na lang sa pader dahil baka sa ganoong paraan, matakpan ng sakit na pisikal ang nararamdaman ko sa emotional. Minsan, ang sarap ring matulog na lang ng mahimbing upang takasan ang kung ano man itong mga nararamdaman ko dahil panigurado akong sa pagtulog, mananaginip ako ng isang mundong sariling akin na kung saan kaya kong gawin lahat ng mga iniisip ko. Mundong panigurado akong magiging masaya ako dahil malamang doon, kasama ko na ang natatanging babae na minahal ko ng sobra subalit sa realidad ay hindi ko talaga pwedeng mahalin.

Ganun pa man, sa babae na mahal ko, malalaman mo rin ang pag-ibig na inilaan ko para sa iyo. Sa ngayon, ang tanging hiling ko lang ay maging masaya ka dahil hindi ko kayang masilayan ka na may lungkot na nadarama.

Sa inyong mga bumabasa nito, malamang natatawa na kayo sa kababawan ng mga problemang iniisip ko subalit subukan mong lumagay sa posisyon ko, maiintindihan mong ang buhay ay hindi talaga isang malaking biro.