Broken

(First published online on June 4, 2008)

Looking onto nothingness, I can realize sort of things. Things that may have been the reason why I was acting like mad for the past few days. It's like finding a solution to the unending questions that once never existed in my mind.

Before, I underwent a series of mental torture over a certain topic that I no longer wanted to divulge. And since I realized in myself that it was wrong, I chose to reject that idea and clear it from my mind. Well, nothing bad happened after I did that.

Now, I only realized it this time that through the small, successive movements that others may have been unconsciously doing, I was drawn to be persuaded to accept that idea for they are saying that it can be right. Since it was already late, I just found myself at the middle of the two latitudes; will I accept it this time, or is it right to dump it again?

I am confused as well as in the state of denial for I find myself in the level of non commitment. Since I was already persuaded to embrace that idea, it is hard to reject it anymore for surely, I will be broken into pieces. But if I accept it this time, then I am to face the chaos that may have happen. I can hurt myself but what I do can also hurt others.

Dumbledore once stated that it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies but takes a great deal more to stand up to your friends. Just one act or decision can alter or affect others and I don't want to use this situation. I must not use it for consequences may be severe.

Sometimes I can't help but be sad for what I feel is even harder than being broken hearted. Sometimes I just wish that I was a robot, doesn't have a heart or feelings that can be broken.

What's worse is when after I realized it, I still can't help but prolong my agony. Sometimes I wish that I can be immune to being hurt or that others including her may stop from instilling that idea to my mind. I wish I was insensitive and that, the idea just moves on.

However, for now, I still want it to dominate me for my happiness can sometimes be found even in the darkest of times of my life, but I only have to remember to on the lights.

Baahh, I simply wish that I can be stuck in classes wherein I am thinking of my homeworks, projects, or even future lessons. In these times, I anticipate more to coming back to classes where I can focus myself to my studies. Maybe through that, the idea can no longer bother me that much.